COLD-WIRED

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A killer homemade coffee ice cream recipe with just one wrinkle - it brings the caffeine.

BY JOHN FLADD

John Fladd / Heavy Table

Okay, so here’s the thing about this recipe – it makes just about the best coffee ice cream I’ve ever had. It tastes deeply of dairy, but the coffee is really serious. It doesn’t just taste of rich coffee; no matter how finely you strain it, tiny specks of coffee get through and are incorporated all through it. (My theory is that they wear little false mustaches and pretend to be vanilla bean flecks, and fool my strainer, who is usually pretty competent, but literally not the sharpest tool in the drawer.)

There’s a little bit of – not exactly grittiness –but textural contrast between the ice cream base and the little specks of coffee. The ice cream itself is sweet, but not too sweet. In fact, I would probably say it is the best coffee ice cream in the world, except for one small flaw.

It has enough caffeine to stun a musk ox.

I’ve made this a few times before, and the last time, I had a scoop before bed at around nine o’clock, and I was up until after three.

(Which reminds me of my favorite pickup line: “Hey, Girl. Are you every mistake I’ve ever made? Because I stay awake all night thinking of you.”)

This time, I told myself, I’ll be smart. Instead of taking pictures of this ice cream at night, I’ll do it in the morning, treat myself to a couple of scoops for breakfast, then get on with my day. And so I do.

7:35 a.m. My balance seems to be a little off, and I’m sweating a little more than you’d expect in March, but otherwise, I feel okay.

8:05 a.m. My eyes feel a little too big for my head. It’s still okay, though; I’ve got this.

9:15 a.m. My hands are a little shaky, but I really don’t notice, because as I move them around, they leave faint rainbows trailing behind them.

10:03 a.m. I think I’ve finally identified that strange buzzing I’ve been hearing – it’s the abstract concept of Destiny singing my name – but faintly, and through a kazoo.

11:01 a.m. This might be the fastest I’ve ever typed. It would be a personal record, except I keep having to backspace to kaRekt wrdz eiv tiped fanetically.

2:57 p.m. I come out of a fugue state long enough to wonder if it’s lunch time yet. I spend the nine minutes it takes to warm up a pot pie staring at the wall. I swear, there’s something different about it. Was it that same shade of beige yesterday?

3:10 p.m. Is this salty? It tastes salty to me.

4:30 p.m. I feel a little hollow inside.

6:10 p.m. I feel better as I eat dinner, almost comfortable.

6:22 p.m. I’m struck by a sudden realization. I could have used decaf.

So, here’s what I’m thinking: I’m as dedicated a full-fat, full-sodium, don’t-hold-back-on-the-lactose kind of man as you’re likely to find. I find the principle of using decaffeinated coffee for this recipe slightly unsettling.

And yet…

Decaf coffee is not the same as caffeine-FREE coffee. Given the sheer brutality with which this recipe strips the coffee grounds of their flavor and essence, I suspect that even the “decaf” version of this recipe will pack a punch.

All that said, let me repeat just how good this coffee ice cream is – extremely.

Becca Dilley / Heavy Table

Delicious but Dangerous Coffee Ice Cream with Cinnamon-Chocolate Sauce

125 grams (2/3 cup) Heavy cream
375 grams (1 ½ cups) Half and half
100 grams (3/4 cup) Sugar
Pinch of Salt
50 grams (2/3 cup) Finely ground decaffeinated coffee

An additional 250 grams (1 cup) Heavy cream
2 tsp. Vanilla

In a medium saucepan, combine the first dose of heavy cream, the half and half, the sugar, salt, and coffee. The coffee will not want to mix in. It is what is called hydrophobic – which makes it sound like it has rabies – but only means that it needs some extra persuasion to mix with the wet ingredients. Force the issue with a whisk.

Stirring occasionally, heat the mixture to 150º. If you don’t have a thermometer, get one; they’re surprisingly useful. Once you start using a probe thermometer, you’ll wonder if your life up to this point has been some sort of fever dream.

At any rate, if you don’t have a thermometer, think of the hottest shower you’ve ever had. Like, if you’d been working in freezing rain to change a spare tire for an hour, then lost your key, and had to wait another half an hour shivering on your doorstep until you were able to get your landlord on the phone to let you in. Imagine being that cold. Now imagine how hot a shower you’d take. Oh sure, you’d start out lukewarm, because that’s what you’ve heard you should do, but you’ll keep nudging the temperature higher and higher, until its painful, but you’re still a little cold, so you go even a little higher.

Heat the cream until it is just a little hotter than that – not boiling, but starting to think vaguely about it.

Remove the pan from the heat, and let the mixture steep for an hour. Remember how resistant the coffee was to get involved in this whole enterprise? Well, now you need to give him some time to get over himself and get with the program.

Using a fine-mesh strainer, strain the mixture into a one-quart container. (A large plastic take-out container is ideal for this.) There will be some coffee residue at the bottom of the pot. You should probably discard that.

Stir in the remaining heavy cream and a solid glug of vanilla.

Chill the mixture overnight in your refrigerator.

The next morning, pour the mixture into your ice cream maker. Again, there will be some coffee residue. Don’t get uptight about it, but you might want to discard that, too. Or, maybe you like to live dangerously, caffeine-wise.

Churn according to the manufacturer’s instructions. When it’s done, transfer the ice cream to a freezing container – again, plastic take-out containers are really good for this – and harden it off in your freezer for a couple of hours. This should make about a quart of supernaturally good ice cream.

“Yes,” I hear you say, “that’s all well and good if you actually have an ice cream maker, but what if I’m a normal human being whose been living a perfectly satisfactory life without one?”

Making This Ice Cream Without an Ice Cream Maker

Follow steps one through five, just like you were going to use an ice cream maker. Maybe whistle a little to throw off any suspicions the ice cream might have that its destiny is about to go sideways.

Instead of storing the ice cream base in the refrigerator to chill, pour it into a one-gallon, zip-lock plastic bag. Seal it carefully. If you’re nervous about it leaking, go ahead and double-bag it.

Lay it flat on its side in your freezer – or as flat as you can manage. Freeze it until it is completely solid – a couple of hours, probably.

Remove the frozen block of ice cream from its bag, and on a large cutting board, chop it into ice cube-sized pieces with a heavy knife or a cleaver.

Transfer the ice cream cubes to your blender, and adding a few at a time, blend them into a paste. The blender will heat the ice cream base up a little as it blends, and beat some air into the mixture, but the residual cold will quickly refreeze the ice cream to soft-serve consistency – about how it would finish up in an ice cream machine.

Transfer to freezing containers, and harden off in your freezer.

Now, let’s say, just for the fun of speculation, that as much as you love this coffee ice cream – and you will; make no mistake about that – that you want a little something more. Chocolate, cinnamon, and coffee go extremely well together. This sauce will be superb as a topping, but with a little adjustment to the recipe, it can also make an excellent ribbon to layer into the ice cream itself.

Cinnamon-Chocolate Sauce/Ribbon
250 grams (1 cup) water
160 grams (1/2 cup) Light corn syrup – 140 grams (maybe 1/3 cup) if you’re making ribbon
100 grams (1/2 cup) Sugar
75 grams (3/4 cup) Unsweetened cocoa powder, Dutch process, if possible
¾ tsp. Ground cinnamon
55 grams (1/3 cup) Semi-sweet chocolate chips

Put all ingredients, except the chocolate chips, in the same smallish saucepan you used for the ice cream base. The cocoa and cinnamon will put up a fuss; convince them with your whisk.

Stirring continually, bring the mixture to a boil, then immediately remove from the heat.

Stir in the chocolate chips, which will quickly melt.

If you are using this as ribbon for the ice cream, let it cool for an hour or so. When you spoon the soft-serve-hard ice cream into its freezing containers, layer it with this fudge sauce. You won’t regret it.

If you’re using this sauce as a topping, you can play around with it a little bit. If you want to spoon it warm over your ice cream, just heat it slightly, and you’re ready to go. If you don’t want to melt your ice cream and plan on using it cool, you might want to whisk in a little more water, to thin it out a little, and make it easier to pour.